on further reflection

Actually.  I have realised that a lot of this fretting about whether my 'authentic' self shows through or not has a lot to do with me worrying about what other people think of me. And as such, is a whole bunch of outer directed fretting that really doesn't have much going for it.  

Today I had another facebook contact from another period in my life that - well just has been making me feel right uneasy thinking about.  This lass from Uni who was part of a gang that kinda made me feel not good enough.  My insecurities, I know.  And it has been making me feel insecure again all afternoon. This lass now does something or other to do with Grazia magazine.  And so she is still very fashionable.  And all afternoon I have been wandering about with this niggling feeling of, not being part of that gang.  Of being that slightly oddball outsider.  Not quite well dressed enough.....  Actually I do know that at that time, we were all probably feeling just the same thing. At least, one of them, I remember we had this conversation about a year later, when she told me she thought I was really confident.  Which shocked me.  So perhaps we were all pretending.  

Anyhoo.  The positive outcome of all this.  Is that  - perhaps its time to just let it all go.  I mean.  It was a long time ago.  And I can pick and choose who I am now.  And I am not going to let that past insecurity get me now.  This is who I am now.  And if it isn't good enough for some people.  F**K it.  

And another signal for me to be following my own inspirations.  

things I would like fixed about the house 1

the way the ceiling is made up of various textures and coving that finishes for no reason.  This is one of the things that 'Project Downstairs'  is going to address.  Before the redecoration, there will be a boarding and skimming of the ceiling and removal of all coving.

showing your authentic self

So I have just found out someone I know is writing a blog.  Its here.... yogi mama writes.  She writes really well about motherhood and how to balance the whole self v carer thing, and other mothering things, that totally take up my mind space.  The whole, finding yourself again after motherhood seems to be quite a theme for a lot of the blogs I read.  

But the main thing is, that  - well - we know each other - and although we could pretty much 'blame'  the fact that we have small children generally preventing proper conversation of any length or consistency for not knowing each other better - Its odd because, we obviously don't know each other that well.  I posted something about the Zen Habits blog on facebook, and she mentioned that she had no idea I was into Zen.  And I guess I am not totally all about Zen and nothing else (ha ha, that is quite funny, seeing as how I am rather crap at focus and "Power of Less" ing.....) But I really am into it.  And I have really been thinking a lot about this lately.  In that, well, I don't think, 'who I am' really shines out of me that much.  I dunno quite how to put this, or perhaps 'who I am' is something I am still very much working on anyway....  But I do feel that perhaps I am not very  'authentic' when out and about.  I am not quite sure how to make ME shine out more.  Or perhaps it has been the whole motherhood thing, where you become totally immersed in motherhood, and forget about yourself for a while.  I must say I did enjoy that immersion. It was great to have a sole purpose.  And to forget the rest.  Not worry about it.  AT ALL.  

Hmm. Perhaps it is also when we get older, most people don't see all our pasts.  It was like me discovering that my parents used to have wild drunken dinner parties. I was shocked really, I had only really known them as my parents, so I was never aware of that at all.  And so a lot of who they really are, just wasn't something I saw.  There is a lot about me, and who I was, that doesn't get much of an outing these days.  Some of it I really really miss.  And some of my past that I have chosen to forget.  Forgotten that I was even there, or part of that.  Like when I was contacted by someone I knew when I was 17.  Those people remember me, and how I was then. Very very strange.  

Anyway.  I think I would like to be more ME in my everyday life. How I manage that.  I am not entirely sure what it even means.  But at least I think next time I see my yogi mama friend, we will hopefully have good n proper chat!

In the mean time. Who is this person I call ME.....   How do you find that out, eh?

The £100 challenge

Hub and I have devised a competition to get our entrepreneurial juices flowing.   We are each taking a float of £100 and we are going to see how much each of us can make in 6 months with it.  He is probably going to be doing his sure betting scam.  And I  - well - hmm - I have to do some devising.  I can do anything, apart from selling things I already have.  If I buy something and sell it that is OK  - but obviously the cost of the thing is deducted first.

So am quite inspired and I think I will be starting with some lavender bags and some cards specificallly for the kiddies market.  with numbers up to 5 on them.  And some other cutsie type birthday images.

day - erm. I have stopped counting

FOrgot to do my core exercises yesterday.  SO I have done them already today.  I did half of them yesterday, to be fair on myself.  

The bag for the tent I bought is huge.  It fills our whole boot.  I think I may have gone over board. 

I spent £83.83 in the supermarket today. I went because I figured it cost £4.50 to shop online.  And also online they just run out of stock of things I need, so then my menu planning doesn't work.  But I do hate going to the shop.  ARGH.  its just sooooo annoying.  And it always costs so much!  I did have to buy oil, and I did stock up on half price cheese, tuna and wraps, which we do eat a lot of now that hub has them for lunch everyday.  I forgot his fizzy drinks.  Probably accidentally on purpose.  Although i wasn't consious.

I am still waiting for the magic job to fall into my lap.  In the meantime I have agreed to take on the running of the wednesday playgroup at the Hanover Centre.  I hope this was a good idea. I mean, I am community minded and all..... Its not very Power of Less.....  Although if I make it popular I can earn money doing it. So that is a spur.  I won't be able to get £250 a week from it what ever happens though, so I am still waiting for my nice little earner to pop up out of the ether. 

Hmm - as with these wish things.  I need to get the  ball rolling myself.  some action me thinks.  

camping

Hub and I actually managed to have a good discussion about finances and budgets last night without fighting or falling out.  Although we have discovered that we are really broke and falling far short of being able to retire or live beyond our working lives (e/g only paying interest on the mortgage right now and having a very very large mortgage to boot)

Hub attempted to spend only £50 last week.  This is discretionary spending, not anything to do with household or travel or anything.  He includes if he has to buy lunch because he forgot to take one,  and things like snacks at work.  He went over, of course, but not by too much.  And mainly because he had to sponsor someone at work for £20 (everyone else was and it is only a small company) and he forgot his lunch twice.  But the exercise was good and he is now aware of thid budget thing.  I figure that if we at least live below our means we have a chance.  

Then there is the fact that we really do need to earn more money.  It would be very very hard to live on less than we are now without really feeling it.  We are at the line.  Exra expenses like the car exhaust blowing, really affect us.  In a way that means we just don't have the money.  And as for paying off the mortgage or having something to live on when we are old and unable to work......  So, I really do have to think seriously about what I can do. As much as I can sulk and wish that I had married someone who wanted a stay at home mum (and another baby!) I haven't.  And that is how life is.   We are very lucky people really.  And certainly we are not badly in debt (apart from the large mortgage) and we are both capable.  So its time to earn more money.

So conversely.  in the spirit of sticking to a budget.  or not.  I have just bought a tent.  A 6 berth Vango Diablo 600 to be precise.  Although not at RRP which is about £300.   No, I did at least get it second hand.  For £85.  Which scuppers my spending budget for about 3 weeks I think.  But hey.  There you go.   WE are going to camp at the end of July and a 2 man festival tent is not going to cut it.  This mother has huge areas for eating inside if it is raining.  Which you need if we are going to go on holiday in this country.   

I dont know if I have just got the bargain of the year and been very sensible. OR if I have just been a bit of a spendthrift.  

a little time spent wandering

So I was ambling around looking for a bit of inspiration and found this blog.  I like it.  

http://www.fluentself.com/blog/stuff/an-itty-bitty-personal-ad/comment-page-2/#comment-6357

SO here is an itty bitty personal ad

here’s what I want:

a way of making about £250 a week, that is fun, fits around me looking after the bub, without me having to put him into childcare, is not too tiring, is creative and has potential to earn more once  I have more time.

Here’s how I want to get it:

I want it to land in my lap as if from the gods.  

Ways they could come to me:

• Someone I know is going to ask me to do this work.  
  
• Perhaps some random connection is going to suggest it and put me in contact with the workt.
• I could happen upon it somehow. 
• Any other possibility. I’m willing to be surprised.

My commitment.

I will do the work really well.  I will appreciate the opportunity.