circling around

I love that autobiography in 5 chapters I posted last (see here).  Because it just shows how we circle around and keep going back over the same things, but each time with more awareness, until finally we are ready to let that thing go.

I am circling back around to tracking.  For various reasons. 

My glamourous exciting trips abroad this year were all totally worth it, but there has been a price.  Not just financially (though of course this is a large part of the issue) but in terms of control.  Taking that time out meant not only was I not earning money during those times, but that I didn't take any time to organise myself, take stock, or keep up with my admin.

I was thrown slightly by my trips.  I came back to rather a lot of chaos.  A workroom I could hardly get into.  Piles of admin waiting to be dealt with.  And finances in rather a lot of chaotic disarray.

Add to that, the sense of discombobulation, the sense that I am behind on myself, and I am running, running and not yet, quite ever catching up, or feeling satisfied that my jobs are well enough done.  It has been a period of flying on a wing an a prayer.  Nothing has gone horribly wrong.  All is fine.  But that sense, that I couldn't quite trust where I was at, has been getting me down.  Yesterday, and perhaps for a few days prior to today, I had started to feel a bit depressed.  On Friday, I had a lovely day out, but on the journey there, and on the journey back was this gnawing dissatisfied feeling, this slightly sneaking suspicion, that perhaps I ought to have spent my time catching up on myself.

I think for that whole last week, instead of catching up on myself, I had been running away instead.  Friday, because I left the house and went to London, seemed to highlight what I was up to.   Hell yes a day trip to London with wine and art and trips to Borough Market.  And at home, though I knew in my soul I wanted to do more yoga, get running, tidy up and eat better....... instead I have lounged around, eaten fried potatoes and take aways and watched a lot of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.  (I do kind of know one of the people on it.  But that really is an excuse) and add to that the time spent on facebook, watching Strictly AND all the It Takes 2 subsiduary shows...... Life was feeling sluggish, I was feeling down on myself and yuck.  I felt l distracted and dissipated and plain WRONG.

I knew something had to be done.  And so, while not wanting to be too hard on myself (I have been reading about self compassion lately)  I did change some things this morning.  And I am going to go back to various form of tracking.  It makes me feel like progress is being made.  And YES I am making progress.  Hurrah.   Am all tidied up.  I have various plans moving forward.  I am caught up on admin (OK I do still have the 2013 accounts to send in, but I AM working on it)  And yes I DO definitely feel better.

I have reduced my current projects right down to the bare bones.  These are

Financial control
6K run
Yoga
People Who Do
Art
Christmas
Healthy eating

I am also reducing the amount of time spent on facebook.  To this end I have deleted the app from my phone.  I fess up to having visited 2 times today.  But I did not browse while I drank my morning tea.  And at lunch, I did read and interesting article, but it was essentially a pointless waste of time.  Yup.  Stopping it.  Or at the very least cutting right down.  Sometimes it is a good thing.

I started the day with hot water and lemon.  I am not cutting out caffeine totally.  But again, reducing consumption.  I had one cup of tea this morning, not 5.

Cooked some delicious food.  And we are back on the household budget.  We will definitely be making our own Christmas gifts (lots of baking) where possible.  And  we will be staying home and not travelling for a while.  Hub has a large bit of work on in January which should help ease things a little.  All is good.  And I feel better.  So bear with me while I bore on with my tracking.  It helps me.  And this is my personal blog.  Namaste!