Being a Jolly Mexican (or Tilda Swinton the monk)

with thanks to http://cookjmex.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/purepecha-fiesta-at-ajijic-plaza.html (let me know if its not OK to use this image and I'll find another!)

Yesterday I wrote about receiving an unexpected gift.  Obviously I wasn't very specific, but there was something about it being undeniably unexpected and a gift.

So far, I am not sure if I am going to count these, but I found 5p.  That's not a gift, that's a find.  But today in my dance class I did have a very powerful realisation and it felt pretty magical and profound.

So given that this gift is coming from, erm, the FP, which is a non definable thing as such.  This could have been it.  THough if I am asking this question, its not as if it is undeniable is it.

It was pretty briliant though.  And hard to explain, it was as I was dancing, and I've been having these slight crise of self consciousness.  Or perhaps more precisely, in my head, I feel I look a certain way, and yet lately, I have been catching a glimpse of myself and been rather shocked at how I actualy look.  Or perhaps dissapointed.  And this idea was floating in and out of my head as I was dancing,  "I wonder how I look right now?" and it would fluctuate between thinking, I bet I look amazing I am dancing so well, to an immediate flip to, oh, no probably not, I probably look pretty crap or average.  Either way, it was distracting me from enjoying my dancing. 

So then, I just had this realisation that - seeing as no one was looking at me, and I was just dancing, I could imagine I looked like anyone.  So for a while I was a fat jolly mexican woman.  That felt good.  Then I was a more ethereal tilda swinton type.  And the music was wondeful and I was being this angel creature and I was totally immersed in it all, and I got this huge wave of emotion of just how free I felt.


I think the point is, I look how I look.  But being self concious doesn't do me any favours.  I would like to stay fit and stanging up tall and straight, but aside from that, its about how I feel  - inside.

And at my age, its not as if I will be a young natural beauty.  I am not that.  But stuff worrying about it.  I look how I look, but on the inside I can be whoever I like. 

I have to say the fat jolly Mexican lady felt really fun.  The etheral angel creature felt good too. 

I am going to play with this.  So unexpected gift? yes it could be.  Lets see if anythnig else turns up!