daily reflection. what I am learning

I am learning LOADs at the moment.

What is sticking in the forefront of my mind just now is the notion - that "behind the (insert; complaining, annoying thing that person is doing, the bitching the  - whatever)" is a good intention.

Its a reframe thing.  Firstly I read about a reframe in the way that women see men.  There is a lot of eye rolling around the way men  - especially husbands - behave.  Things that we cannot understand.  Like how come he just doesn't see all the things that need doing, that I see and do.  That's my one, but I am not alone, there are many similar things.  Another one for me, is that when we have a big house tidy up, my husband seemed to need instructions.  Tell us what to do.  He would say.

So annoying.  And then I read this book which posits that men see things differently,  so they need clearer instructions.  No hinting, no passive, "wouldn't it be nice if....."  It didn't work and it lead to arguments.

I discovered - while playing this thing called the "No Game" which is where you get points for getting "No's" to your requests.  You go out into the world and ask for things you want, seeking "No" as an answer.  It was weird.  If I asked directly for stuff, my husband just said Yes.  I never did get many "no" responses.  AND I completely understood  - finally - what he meant by being passive agressive.  I am not still sure i was being agressive, but i understood the passive tense of my requests and why this was annoying to him.  Massive lightbulb moment.  "will you wash this up please?" works.  "it would be nice if i didn't have to ask you to wash up after you" doesn't.

And in the workplace - yesterday I learned loads of things. I want to try and capture them all here.

In the work place.  If  - in a team -  you have at toxic apple - causing bitching and complaining and bad feeling.  Look for the good intention behind it.  It totally reframes the whole issue in a positive light.

to assume that there is a good reason for something.  and to guess at what it may be.  is that right, or is there another good reason?

also that in a team.  there are the individuals, then there is the sum of the individuals, the context has its own identity.  This helps people speak about a team and its members without refering to anyone individually.  We create something different when we are in a team

There is work by someone called JoHn Cott?? (check my notes) which in a team  -how will we behave when things are going bad.  the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse are

Blame
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling

these positions can lead to a rapid downward spiral and can be the reason that marriage end in stony silence and contempt.

and when things go wrong or we are in a disagreement, we have a preferred option.  We all know what it is, doing work with a team you can get people to stand on their preference.  And then you can get them to choose the preference of the team.  its a different dynamic.  I would feel nervous about doing this and not  being experienced in it.  but  - you can see how it calls out the behaviour and names it, in a non judgemental way.  And in naming, and being aware, then you can choose other options.

How cool is that!

I also met the lady who wrote this article about the 80/20 rule.  And how to prioritise.  She said something that stuck in my mind.  That we KNOW what is important.  Only we have to stop and  be quiet enough to hear it sometimes.

What is important.  Is a big and important question when considering prioritisation.  And values work matters here.  Also the venn diagram of "what I want" vs "what my job requires of me"  and in the what my job requires of me - the corporate objectives  -are we clear on that.  _We can ask  -where do I add most value?

xx