growing up

I dreamt both about doing Yoga Teacher Training (my old uni pal, who is already a yoga teacher decided to do it too for some reason....) and the Do What You Love retreat (beds were extremely small and in a shed.... not the actual case luckily)

I have to admit to a huge sense of feeling very very tense.  I had a chat with my mum about her and dad planning to sell their house and perhaps build an eco house.  I guess the whole idea of my parents being too old to cope is what set it off.  And them selling our family home.  Its such an amazing place I am already deeply sad at the thought of it going.  They don't want to move either, and its frustrating and sad.  My mum did truly seem excited by the idea of building and living in an eco house.  I decided to back up that idea, of it being exciting and she seemed really really relieved.  She wants it to be exciting she said, otherwise its just a slow packing up of life into smaller boxes.  I guess I am having a minor mid life crisis or something.  I do feel on the verge of tears and not just the whole parents dying idea, which I just can't imagine, foolishly perhaps, as of course it is going to happen one day, but also that I can't have any more children.  I really cry at that too, though its unrealistic in so many ways to be wanting another one.  But I guess that I can't go back into that, means I am facing the rest of my life, and that I am older, and getting older, and my parents are getting much older and my family home will not be there any more one day, and nor will they.  I think that since I have left home I have always thought that if things go very wrong in anyway, I could always go and live back at my parents house.  Its a crazy big old rambling house with plenty of room, so its not impossible.  Well, it wasn't....... I also feel slightly resentful that Hub and my folks do not get on, or that I don't have a Hub who would willingly up sticks and go live there too.... and be helpful and useful and help keep the old house.  I guess I can't really imagine life without it there, available to me, to us.  I feel sad and slightly scared too.  Ridiculous really.  But there you go.  Its not just some house though.  Its a special place.  It really is.  It has a hall, and my grandparents lived there too, and we had our wedding there, Bub was conceived there, It had my grandparents funerals there, my cousins and my brother got married there.  WHen I was 9 my school plays were put on there! There were always lodgers, and Christmas dinners for 20.... I had notions of running creative retreats there.  Life without it there will somehow put me in a place where everywhere is small.  When my parents bought it they paid £30,000 for it.  It was run down (still is) but there is no way that we could ever afford somewhere so big now.  They just do not exist.  It is just heartbreaking really.  And I know it is for them too.  They love it and do not want to leave either.  I really must go and buy that lottery ticket eh.....