the big WHY? question. And some CHILL time.

Why why why why why.  The question, beyond which i am having difficulty going.  Why do I do what I do?  What is the reason I get out of bed every morning?  To carve a life for myself?  To create my future? To find some time to paint furiously and freely?  To put one foot in front of the other and live fully in each moment?  TO get by? And what about, With regard to my working life?  Oh sure, it's to put food on the table and keep the roof over my head.  But all sorts of questions into - What is it about creating that I am pursuing?

WHY? What is MY WHY????

I keep coming back to the ideas of 'being free' and this is kind of right.  But in some respects perhaps its about breaking free.  Escaping the shackles of, say, a job in data entry on an industrial estate in Lancing.  Keeping free of a deathly boring stifled life that I feel would surely kill me, or at least my spirit.  Its keeping the doors open for some sort of wild escape.

I have been trying to think of 'why' for my portrait business.  Which has been somewhat languishing.  Maybe due to my other work, and my yoga teacher training, but maybe because it has lost its way. And I wonder if it can be revived, or if it is languishing because my heart is no longer in it. My very honest answer to WHY I got into it, is that it seemed to be art that people were prepared to pay for and therefore and opportunity for me to make some money from being creative.  Which is not at all inspiring, and could easily be the reason it languishes, still there, but no longer active.  So am in the process of appling the WHY of my  life to it.   Maybe I can  transform it.  Give it life.  Momentum.  Movement.

Say, and am thinking on my feet here... If my portrait business were about keeping free from the strangulation hold of conformity, it were about staking a claim on individuality.  If it were about breaking free and keeping  creative heart and soul alive?  What would it be then?

The same but different?  And how would I put that across?

If I applied the same principle to the work I do with People Who Do.  How could helping folk be more organised give them the keys to escape? 

Is it all about keeping on the outside.  Being free of the rules that people confine themselves with?

I have, this morning, oh and last night too, run out of energy completely.  I went to bed at 8.30 and this morning, I have slept some more.   I got up at 11am to go take my son to see the Fire Engine that visited his preschool this morning.    But am back in bed now.  Til 1pm when I go fetch him and bring him home. I have been running to keep up with myself.  At our last People Who Do meeting we talked about recovery time.  And I realised that I have been going full tilt in so many ways for a  long time.  I have work, and training, and doing a course, and looking after  the house.  And I haven't had any time to do nothing.  Its good for all of us in many ways.  So I am taking this morning to do bugger all.  To lounge and wallow and eat honey on toast.  This afternoon is not going to much different.  Bub and I may watch a film together.  We will hunker down and chill.  The larder is full.  There is nothing to do.  It  is COLD outside.  a home day.  to dream. to relax.