the big WHY? question. And some CHILL time.

Why why why why why.  The question, beyond which i am having difficulty going.  Why do I do what I do?  What is the reason I get out of bed every morning?  To carve a life for myself?  To create my future? To find some time to paint furiously and freely?  To put one foot in front of the other and live fully in each moment?  TO get by? And what about, With regard to my working life?  Oh sure, it's to put food on the table and keep the roof over my head.  But all sorts of questions into - What is it about creating that I am pursuing?

WHY? What is MY WHY????

I keep coming back to the ideas of 'being free' and this is kind of right.  But in some respects perhaps its about breaking free.  Escaping the shackles of, say, a job in data entry on an industrial estate in Lancing.  Keeping free of a deathly boring stifled life that I feel would surely kill me, or at least my spirit.  Its keeping the doors open for some sort of wild escape.

I have been trying to think of 'why' for my portrait business.  Which has been somewhat languishing.  Maybe due to my other work, and my yoga teacher training, but maybe because it has lost its way. And I wonder if it can be revived, or if it is languishing because my heart is no longer in it. My very honest answer to WHY I got into it, is that it seemed to be art that people were prepared to pay for and therefore and opportunity for me to make some money from being creative.  Which is not at all inspiring, and could easily be the reason it languishes, still there, but no longer active.  So am in the process of appling the WHY of my  life to it.   Maybe I can  transform it.  Give it life.  Momentum.  Movement.

Say, and am thinking on my feet here... If my portrait business were about keeping free from the strangulation hold of conformity, it were about staking a claim on individuality.  If it were about breaking free and keeping  creative heart and soul alive?  What would it be then?

The same but different?  And how would I put that across?

If I applied the same principle to the work I do with People Who Do.  How could helping folk be more organised give them the keys to escape? 

Is it all about keeping on the outside.  Being free of the rules that people confine themselves with?

I have, this morning, oh and last night too, run out of energy completely.  I went to bed at 8.30 and this morning, I have slept some more.   I got up at 11am to go take my son to see the Fire Engine that visited his preschool this morning.    But am back in bed now.  Til 1pm when I go fetch him and bring him home. I have been running to keep up with myself.  At our last People Who Do meeting we talked about recovery time.  And I realised that I have been going full tilt in so many ways for a  long time.  I have work, and training, and doing a course, and looking after  the house.  And I haven't had any time to do nothing.  Its good for all of us in many ways.  So I am taking this morning to do bugger all.  To lounge and wallow and eat honey on toast.  This afternoon is not going to much different.  Bub and I may watch a film together.  We will hunker down and chill.  The larder is full.  There is nothing to do.  It  is COLD outside.  a home day.  to dream. to relax.

magic

Being part of something bigger than yourself, perhaps, is the start of being able to create something that is bigger than yourself. 

I love the feeling of belonging and purpose I am getting from being involved with this course.  And with the connections I am making there, and elsewhere too.  I feel that 2012 is definately going to be the year that BIG THINGS HAPPEN.


Which brings me back to another  quote I picked up from somewhere...

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. ---Margaret Mead

Am feeling all hyped up and bouyant about the world and its possibilities at the moment.

regarding the 6 am starts...... yes well.  On Friday I had a BIG LIE IN.  I did go out the night before, and in the knowledge of having said BIG LIE IN, I did not hold myself back on the drinking wine front.  I had a truly splendid evening with some local mummy friends.  It was a swish party, as in you bring clothes you no longer wear or want and basically we empty the bags on the floor and everyone digs through and takes what they want.  A lot of trying things on and general hilarity and pretty much everyone goes home hugley delighted with their haul of free clobber.  I got some seriously nice BRAND NEW boots (she didn't like the heel shape on them and never wore them) and a fab work dress (for my presentations....)  and a whole huge bag full of tee shirts and trousers and general clothing stuff.  RESULT.

So today wasn't much better.  I though I would ease myself back in and start at 7am instead, but the wee man Bub got up before that even so it was a no go.  I did go to a Yoga class though, which generally means I work a lot harder than when I do my own practice anyway.  And yesterday, I did the teacher training - in which I was taken up into Upward Bow (back bend) which was a total shock.  As in I had been trying on my own and it was so not happening.  I ended up having a massive giggling fit after it.  Proper guffawing and weeping  stuff.  Oh get me.  I did enjoy it, mind.  They do say that back arches open you up! I am just feeling pretty damn happy inside at the moment!

I even managed to inspire 2 friends into action on their dreams yesterday.  Pretty chuffed about that too! All is good.  

I have engineered a pretty busy week this week coming up and have a lot to be getting along with.  And I really must stop myself from hanging out with the HSHB FB group the entire time.... xxx