The Flipside (The Story of Potter)

I just wrote a whole piece on fear and rejection and a nasty niggly feeling that mixes up these two for me.  And was too afraid to publish it.  I was too afraid.

I felt it made me too vulnerable (just learnt how to spell vulnerable too)

Then I read this piece.

And I guess I need to name my niggly feeling.  and I need to carry on regardless of it.

Its stepping out into the arena.  I need to keep going.

An attempt to describe and name it

There is the niggly icky sticky tape feeling that amounts to a mix of shame, anger, humiliation (is humiliation a mix of shame and anger?) of not being seen.  A passive being labelled as not good enough.   a fury so useless that no one but me feels it or cares that it exists.  The feeling of not being picked, being the unwanted.  of  being below ridicule.  etc etc etc.  blah blah blah.

Its not very nice.  It descends when particular events match a particular story that has been in my life for a very long time.  I have added to it over the years.  There are several incidences I can pin point.  I have been feeling it over the last month, off and on.  I fight it, but its there.  I don't like it. 

Someone told me today that the world is mostly much kinder than we imagine it is.  And for the  most part I am able to know this. 

They also told me that there is the situation, and how we feel about the situation.  And its the latter that is the place where the hurt happens.

This niggly precipice teetering feeling, is my weak spot, my open wound place.  It seems to bubble up some proper OLD stories.  A memory of hurts all piled on top of each other to create a narrative that resonates at a particular frequency. 

I am seeing it for what it is.  It is not going to rule.  It is not the total truth.   And I am carrying on, holding my head up with dignity, despite it.

I am not the only human to feel this, and feelings like this must not stop me.  I will feel it and carry on anyway.

I wonder what name I should give it?  I am going to call it Potter.  I know what that means.  And its from a very long time ago.  And this name makes it smaller and less relevent.  I shall put it on a postcard sized piece of paper.  Like maybe a really small piece of art and shrink it to that size.  The story of Potter.   Potter is just a story.  A postcard folded up and in my back pocket.