yearnings

I am feeling really introverted today.  Almost blue.  As if I were premenstrual, but I am not sure that I am.  I am finding it hard to stick to what I supposed to be doing.  I am struggling with confidence and bravado.  I feel the world is crowded with what I have to offer and everyone else is doing it better than I am. 

I don't know why I am feeling this.  I have good friends and allies.  I am who I am and I occupy my corner of the world.  I feel I want to not care and care more about money.  Or business.  I feel I am straddling two worlds.  I want to have a part time job and have the money sorted so I can be a free roaming artist and go into my studio and calm myself with making art. 

I feel I need more creativity.  Its been too long there is a yearning in me for deep quiet.  To be in the space where nothing else matters.  Where I am free of the world and its busy concerns.

I want to be truer to my self.  I want to relax deep into that space of genuine authenticity.  To cocreate and collaborate.  To feel free of the demands of what i myself have signed up for. 

I had a beautiful quiet day yesterday.  I have some work I love.  I want to escape my own methods of procrastination.....namely, fiddling with figures, research. I want to find the perfect venue.  I want to know my own worth be clear on my offers and who my ideal client is and where my clients hang out. 

My perfect venue is warm, calm, creative, modern rustic, it is spacious has beautiful views. It has an art studio - its a home of artists.  Its not just glitzy.  its wildly creative.  wild and creative.  and its got an element of deep comfort and nurturing.  Its a soft white bed and a clean warm bathroom.  its a high ceilinged barn with art on the walls.  It has a big table and space in the living room.  It feels creative and spacious.  its not too far from here.  there is delicious food.

it is quiet.  its where I want to go right now to feel spacious and creative and re align my bones and my spirit. 

fuck it.  let it just be.  am so loving the house right now.  the silence.  yes